Tag: stream of consciousness

I had to clear
all of my possessions
from my car
two weeks ago
so that it could go in
to get some repairs done,
and though that vehicle
was back in my building’s parking lot
within a few days,
it took me both of those weeks
to muster the motivation
to put everything back inside.
But this isn’t a poem about that.

No, this is a poem of chaos.
That information was just setting the scene
so that it makes sense
why I neglected to put the aux cable
back into my car.

You see, I can’t drive without some type of noise.
My mind is too busy
or too interesting
or too distracting,
and I often daydream
while I’m driving,
which sometimes means
that I do stupid things
like close my eyes
because I’m not thinking,
or rather, because I am thinking,
but I’m thinking about
the wrong thing.
So I always put on
someone else’s voice,
so that my inner monologue
can’t convince me to do
stupid things.
But this isn’t a poem about that.

No, this is a poem of chaos
and heartache.
This information was just setting the scene
so that it makes sense
why I had to turn my radio on
instead of sitting in silence
that time
that I neglected to put the aux cable
back into my car.

I had the radio on
and the disc jockey introduced a song
as a love song,
saying that the album the song comes from
is full of love songs
inspired by the singer’s husband,
and then the song that came on
was about cheating
and hoping that an ex gets cheated on
so he can know what that feels like.
It masquerades as a sweet and sappy ballad
but is a sinister tune
about revenge.
But this isn’t a poem about that.

No, this is a poem of chaos
and heartache
and enemies.
This information was just setting the scene
so that it makes sense
why I was thinking about revenge
that time I had to turn my radio on
instead of sitting in silence
that time
that I neglected to put the aux cable
back into my car.

The song made me wonder
whether I genuinely wished harm
on any person,
and I thought back
to a girl
in seventh grade
who I didn’t like
and if I would want her
to be treated
the way she treated me
and maybe I would have
at the time,
but all these years later,
I absolutely would not.
Just because I didn’t like her
doesn’t mean I wish ill upon her
and besides,
I haven’t seen her since middle school,
and I’m sure that she has grown and changed
just like I have.
But this isn’t a poem about that.

No, this is a poem of chaos
and heartache
and enemies
and cycles.
This information was just setting the scene
so that it makes sense
why I had this realization
that time I was thinking about revenge
that time I had to turn my radio on
instead of sitting in silence
that time
that I neglected to put the aux cable
back into my car.

The realization that
everything leads to everything
leads to everything
leads to
everything.

And somehow,
that all led me to this moment
right here
in front of my computer
while the sun sets outside the window
to my right.
While one of my roommate’s cats
is lying on my bed
and the other is sleeping on the ground
near my closet.
This moment,
where I hear loud purring
beside me
and trickling water
of the cat fountain
in the other room.
This moment,
when I keep looking over anxiously
at the baby plants in front of my window–
ones that I planted
even though nothing new seems to grow
in this blasted apartment–
remembering how I buried
hope and prayers and expectations
while burying those seeds.

And somehow,
I know that I am okay
or that I will be okay
as long as everything
leads to everything.

Photo by Mpho Mojapelo on Unsplash

Long poem, who dis?

This was my attempt at a stream-of-consciousness über-specific style of poem and, um, it is quite different from what I expected when I first started writing it. How is that for my big return to blogging/poetry?

(P.S. 10 bonus points to anyone who can name the song that I was referring to. I don’t even know its title, so I will have to check myself to see whether anyone gets it.)

I want to thank everyone who left a kind and encouraging message on my last post about my break. I cannot express how supportive and amazing all of you are. Truly, you are all a major reason of why I choose to share my writing every week.

This week’s resource is this video by Kat Blaque. Though the video speaks specifically about the YouTube beauty community, especially Jeffree Star, Tati Westbrook, and Jackie Aina, many of the points that Kat makes can be applied on a broader scale. As a white American who likes to think of herself as progressive and accepting, but with family from all over the political spectrum, Kat’s words really made me reevaluate my opinions vs. my actions. Do I do enough to stand up to racism when I see it? Do my relationships with people who have racist views negatively affect my relationships with friends who are black? Why, in that last question, did I feel the need to write “people who have racist views” rather than just calling it like it is and saying “racist people”? These questions are painful, tricky to answer, and require a good amount of empathy and nuance. I don’t agree with every single thing she says in the video, but I do think that Kat helps provide that empathy and nuance. I didn’t feel attacked, but I also did not feel patronized. I don’t know how she managed to strike that balance, but it is a great video that I cannot help but rave about.

Also, if you are interested in makeup (or even, like me, if you are not that interested in beauty but you just want to watch some YouTube videos by an amazing, funny creator), I highly suggest Jackie Aina’s channel. I have a feeling that binging her videos recently is what led me to Kat Blaque’s video in the first place.

I hope y’all are doing well.

Peace out!